The Miss Neo Pageant: Meet Miss Tits on Fire

Name: Stephanie Shaw

Hometown: Arlington Heights, IL

Age: 48

Education: MFA Creative Writing, Columbia College Chicago

Platform Issue: No Such Thing As Too Much Information

Talent: Sorting the Wheat from the Chaff

Career Ambition: I would like to write many books that collectively weigh more than me.

Local Competition Sponsor: That light that is ALWAYS red at Ashland and Wellington forcing me to sit in my car and stare at Temple Bar where I imagine people are drinking and having fun but not really, just maybe more than me currently.

 

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The Miss Neo Pageant Personal Interview

Q: How do you measure success?

I like to use the old fashioned cloth measuring tapes. Remember those? My grandmother was a seamstress. There was always a bunch of them in the junk drawer.

Q: When is the last time you failed? How did you handle it?

I fail at least three times a day. I’m raising teenagers. I would like to say I turn to bourbon because it sounds badass but the husband and I have decided to only drink on the weekends this summer. So I watch the Masterpiece Theatre version of Bleak House. But not three times a day.

Q: What do you see when you look in the mirror?

A very strange lady in a strange middle age.

Q: How are you different from the other contestants?

I am older. I am larger. When I come home from rehearsal I pack school lunches.

Q: Why do you want to win this pageant?

I don’t*. I just don’t want anyone to notice if I don’t.

The Miss Neo Pageant must close June 22nd! Get your tickets asap because – we promise – you don’t want to miss this.

*Stephanie Shaw is the Director of The Miss Neo Pageant.

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