The Miss Neo Pageant: Meet Miss Not Gonna Cry

Name: Tif Harrison

Hometown: St. Charles, MI. Population: 2,500

Age: 27

Education: As far as my parents are concerned, College Graduate.

Platform Issue: Promoting Affordable, Comprehensive Sexual Health for All While Never Having to Look at My Own Cervix because I’m Totally Grossed Out by it.

Talent: Does anyone need coffee?

Career Ambition: Having one job that pays more than $15,000 a year.

Local Competition Sponsor: My Therapist

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The Miss Neo Pageant Personal Interview

Q: How do you measure success?

I’d like to say minutes, but I know the answer is hours.

Q: When is the last time you failed? How did you handle it?

Yesterday, I ate a very big bag of puffed Cheetos while watching an entire season of Extreme Couponing. Eventually, I finished the bag of Cheetos.

Q: What do you see when you look in the mirror?

A person who used to be 24.

Q: How are you different from the other contestants?

Did you know we all have blue eyes? Isn’t that weird?

Q: Why do you want to win this pageant?

To feed my insatiable thirst for fame, duh!

Tickets for the Miss Neo Pageant are available online. Come watch Miss Not Gonna Cry get dirt in her skirt this summer.

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