Mercury has been in retrograde for almost the entire month of February.
BUT MALIC, WHAT DOES MERCURY RETROGRADE MEAN?!
I’m glad you asked.
A few times a year, the planet Mercury slows down in its orbit and appears to move backward (re: retrograde) in the sky.
BUT MALIC, WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT A LITTLE PLANET FAR, FAR AWAY WHEN I HAVE AMERICA AND THE INTERNET?
During the time of this optical illusion, astrologers believe that shit gets crazy. Mercury retrograde messes with transportation (so if the polar vortex canceled your flight this month, NOW YOU KNOW WHY). It also impairs communication and sends technology on the fritz. Did you have awkward sex this month? MERCURY RETROGRADE. Did you drop your phone in the toilet while pooptexting? MERCURY RETROGRADE.
Most importantly, Mercury retrograde inspires erratic behavior. To determine whether this is an accurate assessment, I consulted my own Twitter feed. Here are some examples of my Mercury retrograde tweets:
“girl you got me looking so crazy right now most incredibly.”
“casual times with sadists.”
“@BoyGeorge delicious! do you ever ferment your own sauerkraut?”
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
Fortunately, Mercury goes back on track this weekend, and what better way to celebrate your newfound sanity than Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind?!
I’m back. More importantly BILAL DARDAI IS BACK AND YOU GUYS HE IS GOOD. Also we rolled an 11 this week (MERCURY RETROGRADE), so we’ve got a funky fresh menu for your enjoyment.
And if you need help dealing with planetary madness til then, here’s a reminder from my girl Mary J. Blige: “when you just a mess yourself/ it ain’t gon’ be all roses.”