for reference:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/26/hunky-gorilla-japan-fans-_n_7674148.html
(Shabani the gorilla is brought into the Neofuturist theatre via his zoo handler, through the name tag room and sits on the lip of the stage. He picks at his finger toes on his feet with his finger fingers on his hands. He is quietly grunting and doesn’t give eye contact. I stand next to him with a box of Cheerios. )
NICK
Hey, you there. Beast! Happy fourth of july.
(He begins to delicately eat one cheerio at time from out of my hand. It is incredibly engaging)
NICK
I used to be the belle of the ball too, you know. Now I have to write blogs. BLOGS!
SHABANI
(GRUNT)
NICK
Look at me when I’m talking to you.
( I clap hard in his face. We stare at each other. I wait for him to turn away. He does. He looks at his feet)
NICK
I tried to write a play about you this week for the show. It was you, and a fried rat found in a KFC bucket of chicken-
SHABANI
(GRUNT)
NICK (AGGRESSIVELY CLAPPING)
AN ADULT IS TALKING RIGHT NOW. ADULT IS TALKING. ( I slap the one cheerio out of his hand and I throw the box of cheerios across the room)
ZOO HANDLER
IS THIS REAL?
NICK
SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO ONE PAID TO HEAR YOU TALK!
NICK
I tried to write a play about you and a fried rat that was found in a bucket of KFC chicken. 24 hour news cycles! Am I right?!
for reference:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2015/06/17/kfc-fried-rat/28855963/
SHABANI
(GRUNT)
NICK
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE. …Listen Shabani. Baby. Im tired. God I’m tired. Life is a nightmare. What do they want from me? WHAT? I’ve been in this theatre building for seven days! What am I writing right now?
SHABANI
(Shabani attempts to communicate something in sign language. But I don’t know sign language and neither do gorillas. Thats bullshit fed to you by Michael Crichton’s Congo. “Shabani waves his arms around erratically” is what I’m saying.)
NICK
You ever have to read “Death of a Salesman” in high school? Its a great american play. I make fun of it in the intro speech to the TML show. I think you’re like Biff.
SHABANI
(grunt)
NICK
YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. AND EVERYONE WILL FORGET ABOUT YOU. YOU WANNA THROW FOOTBALL?!
(We stare intensely at each other. No one moves. We peel back our lips and show each other our teeth.)
NICK
SHABANI! Are you excited for TOO MUCH LIGHT MAKES THE BABY GO BLIND this weekend? Two events in this unproduced play *will actually happen in the show this weekend! Where’s Waldo? Am I right?! You tell me!
(Shabani puts his finger in his butthole. I couldn’t think of a better stage direction)
NICK
Gorilla, you like loud noises?
(I light a firecracker. And put a metal bowl with glitter over it. It explodes sending the bowl up spraying glitter everywhere. Shabani the gorilla smashes the skull of his zoo handler and eats his face)
Lights down.
Lights up.
Shabani and I hold hands and bow. People take pictures. Lots of pictures.
Curtain.
*at this point I would say unproduced and fictional but given enough money, time, animal tranquilizers, and lack of morality, this play could actually happen. Crazy? Did you read those two news articles?
