Ummmmmm, did you forget? PRIDE is right around the corner (Thu-Sun, June 27-30). And so you have just a second to get your tickets. In the meantime, take in this play by Kirsten Riiber, In which Jasmine has some exciting news. (Note: stage directions have been edited out of here for readability. For the full effect, again BUY YOUR TICKETS. Cast key; KR=Kirsten Riiber, JHJ=Jasmine Henri Jordan, CSP=Connor Shioshita Pickett).
JHJ: Hey Kirsten? KR: Yes, Jasmine
Did you hear about the anacondas? Which anacondas? The green anacondas The female green anacondas? Yes, the female green anacondas Specifically one female green anaconda who had some babies Which isn’t really unusual EXCEPT She got pregnant while living in an aquarium inhabited by exclusively female anacondas Which means
KR:
That the SNAKE IS A LESBIAN JUST LIKE ME AND SHE MADE A BABY WITH HER WONDERFUL SNAKE WIFE PEGGY-ANN AND THEY NAMED THEIR TWIN DAUGHTERS ELLEN AND PORTIA WHICH WAS NOT THE MOST POPULAR CHOICE AMIDST THEIR LADYSNAKE FRIEND GROUP BUT EVERYONES TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE MIRACLE TO CARE
CSP (emerges from the crowd):
WAIT WAIT WAIT — Sorry to interrupt ladies but if I may, I read this article too and actually she didn’t make the baby with a partner at all. She did it by herself using parthenogenesis. Do you know what parthenogenesis is?
JHJ:
You’re gonna tell us either way-
CSP:
-It’s a type of asexual reproduction that happens without fertilization. It was what they call a “virgin birth”
KR:
So Kathy and Peggy-Ann didn’t light 15 or 20 tea-lights, throw on a playlist featuring most of Rihanna’s dirty shit and scissor their babies into existence??
CSP:
I don’t think an animal without legs can technically scissor.
JHJ:
Thank you, Connor.
KR:
Well that’s not a reason to celebrate.
(beat)
JHJ: But Kirsten KR: Yeah?
For the first time in recorded history, a female green anaconda made a baby without the assistance of a male Yeah… Which is something you and I have always dreamed of That’s true And today, it’s the green anacondas….but tomorrow…maybe it’s the brown anacondas… and then the day after that…..
KR:
IT’S HUMANS AND WE CAN MOVE TO AN ISLAND COLONY WITHOUT ANY MEN ON IT AT ALL UNLESS THEY GET A SPECIAL TEMPORARY DAY PASS THAT EXPIRES AT SUNDOWN AND NOBODY WOULD EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ANYONE UNLESS THEY WERE ASKED A DIRECT QUESTION AND THE KOMBUCHA IS DELICIOUS AND WEIRDLY CHEAP—
CSP:
WAIT WAIT WAIT — If I may, if I may. It’s true she had two babies which is an undeniable miracle, but I think it’s important to mention they were the only surviving two out of 16. Every other snake baby was stillborn.
KR:
Oh.
CSP:
Actually, one other baby was born alive but it only lived for a couple of minutes.
JHJ:
Connor, I’m gonna ask you to leave for the rest of this play.
CSP:
I was just about to suggest that
JHJ:
No you weren’t.
CSP exits
KR I know it isn’t possible, but I still fantasize about a day where I could make a baby with my partner. Just to have the option would be nice. JHJ:Totally. (beat) I’d love to knock Andy up. I love pregnancy and it would be incredible to watch a little being that we made grow. If Kaitlyn and I had a kid, they’d be really good at building puppets. If Andy and I had a kid they’d have terrible eyesight. But cute glasses. Our kid would be lucky if they got Kaitlyn’s taste in music. Andy’s eyes and my ass Of course your ass. I’d want them to get my immune system. Tell me about this I never get sick! And when I do- I bounce right back!
Get tickets to TIW:30QP now, at the event page. (Remember: 100% of the proceeds for the Thursday night show (6/27) will be benefit Transformative Justice Law Project of Illinois.)
